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Christian friendships

"My child, I implore you to love your brothers, even those that will persecute you. Love them as My Son loved those who even crucified Him. That is the only way you can reach eternity in Heaven. " - Our Lady of the Roses, October 2, 1989

The following is an excerpt from the book, Love One Another by Louis Colin, C.SS.R.

Friendship … what a beautiful word! Too beautiful to escape occasional besmirchment and profanation. Its complete fulness and entire riches are to be found in Catholicism alone.

Christian friendship is one of the rarest and perhaps most exquisite forms of brotherly love.

In order to arrive at a better understanding of it, we must first reject all those bad and frivolous loves which are merely the negation or counterfeit of friendship.

Since friendship is a mutual exchange of affection and goods, its value must be judged according to the nature of this exchange. “If (grounds for friendship) are false and useless then so is the friendship; if they are good, then so is the friendship, taking its quality from that of the things shared.” (Introduction to the Devout Life, Part III, Ch. 17, “Foolish Friendships,” p. 135)

Consequently, all those sensual liaisons which are but the purulent eruption of carnal passion—all those corrupted and corrupting loves are false friendships. Instead of being clear, singing flames which burn without consuming and rise straight toward heaven, they are like impure and devastating lavas which roll down toward the depths. The soul itself seems to become animalized in the effervescence of the revolted flesh. What then becomes of friendship, that divine feeling which can only flourish in an atmosphere of nobility and moral purity? Every love which smells of sin has nothing to do with charity, which exhales the good odor of Christ (Cf. 2 Cor. 2:15).

“The mutual sharing of sexual pleasure, as such, can no more be called friendship than the same thing between animals.” (Ibid., p. 136)

Those vain and frivolous affections which are merely playfulness are false friendships. “This applies to most of the friendships of young people, which are based on a moustache, beautiful hair, smiling eyes, fine clothing and frivolous talk.” (Ibid., loc. cit.)

Neither does flirtation, where vanity on the one hand and coquetry on the other play as large a part as sentimentality, when practiced between “persons of the opposite sex, without any intention of marrying,” (Ibid., loc. cit.) merit the name of friendship. They are mere love affairs which, to quote the Bishop of Geneva, end by “being swallowed up in impure lust and sensuality.” (Ibid., p. 137)

What are called “particular friendships” are also related to bad or sophisticated friendships. The former are a strange, more or less conscious mixture of instinct, passion, of natural and supernatural. These, if not carefully watched, degenerate into sensuality or into a mysticism of doubtful alloy.

St. Teresa painted, for the use of her religious, a striking portrait of such a friendship, and it has not aged. (See The Way of Perfection and cf. Msgr. Gay, De la Vie et des Vertus chrétiennes, XI, “De la Charité envers le prochain,” 2^nd part.)

Who would wish to dignify comradeship, the mere juxtaposition of two existences in the joint accomplishment of a business, or the pursuit of a collective end, with the name of friendship? A comrade in school, war, captivity, work or play is not necessarily a friend.

Here now are the good and noble human friendships cemented without any religious thought or feeling, which are nourished by a mutual cult for science, art, social work, country, humanity.

Far from proscribing them, Christianity utilizes them and makes them sublime. It uses them as a base, a pedestal and sometimes as the beginning of certain other liaisons, which are situated in a higher sphere and are called “Christian friendships.”

These are truly divine friendships. It is difficult, on account of their richness and complexity, to make an exhaustive analysis of their contents.

Such friendship is a luxurious virtue reserved for an elite. It is also a “charity”—charity in the most sensitive, strong, disinterested, devoted, most faithful and unconquerable sense of the word. It is at one and the same time the blossoming, strengthening, and crowning of that brotherly love which unites all Christian hearts.

This friendship will be excellent above all: “excellent, because it comes from God, tends to God and is founded on God; excellent because it will last forever in God.” (Ibid., p. 140)

In reality it is but a reflection and an expansion of our love for Jesus Christ. Two hearts forever united by Christ, in Christ and for Christ.

May we not define it as the mystical marriage of two souls in search for God?

Has it not in fact something of that sacrament in it: total and mutual giving, intimacy, faithfulness, indissolubility, fecundity? Something of its holiness also, for it tends toward nothing less than leading us to God by a mutual work of sanctification. As Bossuet put it: “Friendship is a business which helps us to enjoy God.”

It is a union of two souls; here, the senses or passions play little or no part. It is a purely spiritual love, emptied of all sentimentality or carnal emotion. This love contains all the elements of charity toward our neighbor in their full strength. It is a divine virtue which, let us emphasize the fact, is but the overflowing on to one of our brethren of our piety toward the Heavenly Father and our love for our Saviour. That is what immediately distinguishes its essence from all other types of human friendship and seals its incontestable superiority.

Just like charity, it is a love of complaisance, sympathy, kindliness, and disinterestedness without any admixture of egoism, appeal for funds, or request for services. There are no bills to be furnished or paid between friends. Everything is free, and freely offered. Doubtlessly friendship may prove to be a source of precious personal advantage, but this profit is merely consequential and in no sense the motive from which it originated, and by which it is conserved. Friends! “There are those of every hue. They are the most fruitful source of strange varieties. We have the despotic friend who makes us run his messages; the witty friend who makes jokes at our expense; the embarrassing friend who is very inconvenient; the parasitic friend who east us up; the speculative friend who fleeces us—in a word, a thousand kinds of friends whom it would take an eternity to count.” (Victor Sardou, quoted by Rouzic in Essai sur l’amitié, pp. 41-42)

“That which men have named friendship is only fellowship, which has a care for reciprocal interests, and for the exchange of good offices; it is no more than a business transaction in which self-love always has something to gain.” (La Rochefoucauld, Maximes, LXXXI)

But there is also the discreet, devoted friend who obliges and serves us, showers benefits upon us without asking for anything in return. There is the friend who counsels, encourages, restrains, raises up, who in the course of our spiritual ascent is the leader on the rope and acts as guide and porter for us. He is always ready to sacrifice himself, once there is a question of pulling us out of a morass. This friend is the true one: the Christian friend.

In addition to those elements which are essential to fraternity charity, friendship bears certain characteristic and original marks.

The first of these is independence and absolute spontaneity. Every form of love for our neighbor, whether it be a question of ourselves, our parents, brethren, countrymen, is strictly obligatory and cannot be dispensed with. Charity is a commandment from which no one may be exempted.

Friendship, on the other hand, does not come under the commandment, and never constitutes a duty of conscience. Just like the evangelical counsels, it is facultative: luxurious virtue which is the prerogative of certain privileged souls.

Though excellent in itself, nevertheless friendship is not necessary. It is a matter for each if he considers it advisable to make friends in freedom and to keep them if he can.

More than “dilection,” friendship is predilection, a selected love, out of the common run. If the heart is a hotel open to every comer, there are many mansions (John 14:2), it still keeps some reserved rooms. An elite stands out from the mass of our brothers in Christ: a few chosen souls, passed through a sieve. We have a special cult of affection, devotion, and faithfulness for them without, however, forgetting or disdaining anybody else.

This love of a superior quality is always accompanied by reciprocity. A twin feeling, friendship is never solitary. It charity, of its very nature, requires no return of affection, and can very well put up with forgetfulness, ingratitude, even malice, the same cannot be said of friendship. It is essentially a mutual exchange of hearts, the meeting of two loves, something which always goes arm-in-arm. It cannot survive abandonment or betrayal. When this happens, there remains standing on the ruins of friendship only indestructible Christian charity.

This love is always an exchange between two persons, and what constitutes a new and perhaps the most striking part of friendship is its intimacy, cum quadam mutua communicatione, as St. Thomas says, with a certain reciprocal communication. (I-II, Q. 65, Art. 5, On the contrary)

Might not the theory of communicating vessels be applied here in the moral and spiritual sphere? There is more than contact and penetration between friends: there is a fusion to such a degree that it seems to end in unity…. “One heart and one soul.” He is I and I am he.

Friendship implies a double community, a community of interior life, and community of social life.

There is a community of thought, feeling, wills. Between friends, everything is common because everything is put in common. Everything which happens in one finds an echo in the other; a joyful or sorrowful echo. They are two souls in wonderful consonance who always emit the same note. There is a constant mutual flow from one soul to the other which ultimately and inevitably results in unreserved reciprocal confidence. This confidence provides the natural climate and atmosphere of friendship “which perishes according as this air diminishes.” (Rouzic, op. Cit., p. 122) Whoever distrusts his friend has already ceased to be a friend.

Consequently, there are no more mysteries for this half of myself, or rather, for this other self. All the paths of my soul lie open before him, including those of my conscience. Hence these intimate confidences which you impart to no one, not even to your mother or confessor, and which are one of the most exquisite charms of friendship. How sweet it is to pour out your joys, sadnesses, hopes, discouragements into another heart which is capable of understanding, sharing, and—if necessary—curing them!

This intimacy does not always call for a perfect identity of character, temperament, moral qualities. Friendship is comprised both of resemblance and dissimilarity. If alike, souls unite and harmonize; unalike, they perfect and complete each other. Just as in music, dissonant chords are blended into full chords, so certain divergences of mind and conduct often merely serve to strengthen the bonds of friendship. They are like the light shadows which underline the design of the coloring of a magnificent picture. Were not St. Basil and St. Gregory different characters and opposite temperaments?

We cannot, however, imagine a community of interior life outside a community of social life. In order to become and remain friends, we must know each other, converse, be together, live in constant touch—in short, keep up what is called “friendly relations.” (II-II, Q. 25, Art. 7) Long absence impairs friendship, but complete separation is one of the most difficult tests to which it may be put. This was quite evident during the last war when so many prisoners, on returning from captivity, found they were victims of faithlessness, and were faced with their ruined homes. “Out of sight, out of mind.” The proverb may lie. However that may be, it is dangerous not to frequent the paths of friendship; weeds overrun it which choke even the memories of friendship.

A friend should be nearly always life’s wayfaring companion. If we are separated from him, or lose sight of him, we risk forgetfulness, and forgetfulness is the grave of many friendships.

“We are brothers, brothers in the faith and in our studies,” wrote Ozanam to one of his friends, “brothers in age and in interests … our two lives are sisters, walking together, bearing one another company, and tending towards the same goal.” (Ozanam, Euvres complètes, Letter VI, Vol. X)

If the bodily presence of a mingled life, spent side-by-side, be wanting, friends may at least maintain contact by the pen. Though absent in body, they will thus remain present to each other in heart and mind. A consecutive correspondence provides a link which is sufficient to nourish faithfulness in love between the two souls. Certain illustrious friendships have furnished us with wonderful treasures, both from the literary and moral points of view.

Our portrait of the friend would be lacking in something if we omitted to refer to a final characteristic: devotion.

Friendship carries well-doing, a fruit of brotherly love, to the point of prodigality, and obligingness in friendship never recoils from sacrifice. It is a sacred and inviolable treaty of mutual assistance which, when frankly and fully Christian, proves itself to be a double, active, generous, and constant collaboration in the blossoming out of moral life and the conquest of holiness. Supernatural in origin, and in itself, it cannot prove otherwise in its workings and its conclusion.

Of the illustrious Carmelite of Avila it has been written: “For Teresa, to love someone was to love his soul, to wish that it be beautiful, great, and holy, and to wish this with a saintly passion. Thus God was the principle and end of her friendships.” (Rouzic, op. Cit., p. 15. Cf. The Way of Perfection, Ch. VII)

What, in fact, do two souls, who love each other solely in and for Christ, desire and seek? Nothing, except to support each other in order to facilitate their mutual ascent toward the peaks.

Christian friendship has no other reason d’ être. It should, therefore, by word, prayer, and example, enlighten, counsel, reprimand, correct, uplift, encourage, lead on, even if this entails the sacrifice of time, ease, freedom and, in certain cases, runs the risk of a break.

“A friend is someone ready to displease a hundred times in order to be useful once” (Madame Swetchine); “Friendship is so divine only because it gives men the right to speak the truth, which is spoken so little and heard so rarely” (Lacordaire).

Friendship, it has been said, is a “costly luxury.” Nothing is truer. It sometimes costs a lot to remain faithful to certain friends, and to overcome, with and against them, their weaknesses and cowardice. There is no greater proof of love than to give one’s life for those one loves. A real friend is always ready to afford this proof.

As for the rest, a Christian friendship proves to be both a virtue and a grace. It is a lofty virtue, being the fine flower of charity. It is a capital grace, a source of countless spiritual benefits. “After the communion of saints, there is nothing more powerful than the communion of friends.” (Joseph de Maistre, quoted by Rouzic, op. Cit., p. 177)

No wonder, then, that it has found many admirers whose enthusiasm sometimes runs to lyricism. Even Scripture never tires of singing its praises. It is sweetness, perfume, strength, consolation, beatitude for the soul (cf. Prov. 27:9; Ecclus. 6, passim); Nothing can be compared to a faithful friend: and no weight of gold and silver is able to countervail the goodness of his fidelity (Ecclus. 6:15).

“If someone asks me what is the most beautiful thing in this life, I reply that it is friendship.” (St. Gregory Nazianzen, Epist., CIII ad Pall.; PG XXXVII, 201)

“Nothing is more useful to seek than a friend, nothing is sweeter to experience than friendship, nothing is better to keep, nothing is more difficult to find” (St. Augustine).

“Friendship is the best thing in the world” (La Bruyère). “Friendship has no equivalent” (Malesherbes).

After having praised the friendship of David and Jonathan, Bossuet exclaimed: “Happy the Christians who find such a treasure! For this prize all the riches of the world are well scorned … A friend like this, faithful to God and men, is an inestimable treasure; he should be infinitely more dear to us than our own eyes.” (Sermon sur la charité fraternelle, Edit. Lebarz. Vol. V, p. 94)

“What a sweet thing is a true friend!
He finds the needs at the bottom of your heart;
He spares you the shame
Of disclosing them to him yourself:
A dream, a nothing, everything makes his afraid
When he is worried about the one whom he loves.” (La Fontaine, Fables, “The Two Friends”)

History and hagiography have left us a heritage comprising numerous and outstanding instances of Christian, religious, and priestly friendships. Friendship has held a position and played a role in the life of more than one saint which at first sight may well astonish us, yet, as St. Francis de Sales remarks: “perfection … does not consist in having no friendships at all but in having only those which are good and holy and sacred … but I will waste no more of your time on something so obvious. St. Jerome, St. Augustine, St. Gregory, St. Bernard and all the greatest servants of God have had very particular friendships without any detriment to their perfection.” (Introduction to the Devout Life, Part III, Ch. 19, p. 142)

"Remember, My child and My children, no matter what course you proceed upon, if you do not have charity for your neighbor, you have stopped in your progress to sanctity." - Our Lady of the Roses, May 20, 1978

"My child and My children, if I could take you with Me and give you the eyes to see and the ears to hear, you'll understand why I have cried out to you in the past to protect your soul, your children's souls, your families, and accept as a victim soul the graces given to you from Heaven to reach out with to save others. For charity and love of heart knows no bounds, no restrictions, but in giving does one really bring forth the true meaning of love." - Our Lady of the Roses, June 18, 1981

Our Lady of the Roses Bayside messages
These messages came from Jesus, Mary, and the saints to Veronica Lueken at Bayside, NY, from 1968 to 1995.

PURPOSE OF LIFE
"While you are upon earth you are there to do honor and glory to your God in Heaven. You must know Him, love Him, and serve Him in this world, so that you will be happy with Him forever in the next." - Our Lady, June 1, 1978

FEAR
"Yes, My child, you will feel faint at the knowledge of the existence of hell. Better that mankind has fear of the Eternal Father if he does not have love! For now many are in a void of spirit. They neither know their God, nor do they care to know their God. " - Our Lady, March 29, 1975

FIRST COMMANDMENT
"Any priest that tells you that you must love your neighbor first and God second, he is not a true man of God nor is he a true Roman Catholic priest, nor is he a true minister of any denomination. Because the first Commandment of God the Father is: 'I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have strange gods before Me.'" - Our Lady, June 18, 1982

TRUE MEANING
"But so few know the true meaning of love. Love is in giving. Love is in caring. But love above all is God, your God. For no man knows the full meaning of love until he has reached out and become a man of God, a true child of the light; for then he will also be a keeper of the eternal flame, the Holy Spirit." - Jesus, June l8, 1981

EXAMPLE
"I speak to all the children of the world. You have been given armor and graces to rescue your brothers and sisters in this battle. Do not waste these graces, but multiply them. Disperse among the world a fine example of charity and faith." - St. Paul, July 1, 1973

EVEN DEATH
"I consign you, My children, all who hear your Mother's voice, as bearers of light. Go forward with Jesus, My Son, as your confidence. Approach your brothers and sisters, for what greater glory, what greater love can a man give to one another but to even face death to save him." - Our Lady, May 14, 1977

SANCTITY
"Remember, My child and My children, no matter what course you proceed upon, if you do not have charity for your neighbor, you have stopped in your progress to sanctity." - Our Lady, May 20, 1978

TRUE LOVE
"Pray, My children, for your priests, your bishops, your cardinals. Too few pray for them, for in their awe and their knowledge, they believed in the past, My children, that these Hierarchy had a special passport to Heaven. No, My children, they have a human nature also, and human frailties, and must be protected by prayer and penance and sacrifice, and this means the prayer, penance and sacrifice of others also, for them. In your charity of heart, in your love of human nature that We hear man speaking of as he falls into the errors of modernism and humanism-true love lies in prayers and sacrifice for an individual, for when you come over the veil, I assure you, it is only love and prayers that can follow you." - Jesus, May 20, 1978